The Best Thing You Can Do for Your Middle School Child During Times of Uncertainty

by Kristen Henley-Hills, Movement Teacher

This strange, utterly singular experience of closed schools, social distancing, and consequent family togetherness for all things is presenting unique opportunities.  While we can all probably bring to the front anxieties about what this means for the future both for the macro and our individual families, let’s practice a form of emotional distancing from these worries in front of our children!

By this I mean that we need to strive to leave our fears and adult worries at the door when we greet our young people and work with them.  What they need most right now is a sense of security and an assurance that the adults in their lives are hopeful and taking care of things.  Am I suggesting that you fake it in front of them? In a sense, yes.  

Even before this crisis, children born after 9/11 have experienced unprecedented anxiety.  It seems to be in the air. Our world is changeable and fast-paced. But, the hope here is that these wonderful children are born into this time ready to take on the challenges of the world.  While they are developing, we need to protect and guard them while they get their “feet under them.” It’s not a very popular idea not to tell your children everything that is going on and what you are feeling, but I would argue that this is exactly what they need.

As an example, I have a niece who was informed of every aspect of this virus while still in school.  Consequently, she came home hysterical, sure that her grandmother was going to die because she is over 70.  This illustrates how a very “smart” child -- and she is! -- processes adult information emotionally.

Children between 7 and 14 are experiencing life largely through their emotional lives, not their intellectual ones.  So, while they are highly intelligent and can hear and repeat vast quantities of detailed material, they experience this information through their hearts.  And their human experience. A child, even one approaching middle school age, does not have the life experience to extrapolate scary information and absorb it in a healthy way.

In fact, the children in our class 4,5,6 are especially prone to anxiety as they are maturing towards their teen years.  It is particularly important to assuage worries that can settle in as anxiety and depression later. As parents and teachers, we can fortify their emotional strength by providing a model of calm and assurance.

Consider practicing modified answers to their questions ahead of time so that you don’t find yourself in the moment telling them more than is healthy for them to hear.  One can be honest without overloading. Assuring statements such as “The government and communities are taking this seriously and moving quickly to keep everyone safe and take care of this,”  are better than statistical information about how the virus spreads and where it is. You will, of course, find your own words and balance point on this, but be intentional.

At first, you may find your bright little lawyers insisting on more detail, but do try to observe the distance between their quick minds and their emotional maturity.  If you are prepared with only what you are going to say and stick to it with confidence and optimism, you will be pleasantly surprised by how this will bring calm to your children.

Avoid exposing them to the news, either digital, print, or audio, and stick to a rhythm to give form to their days -- and to yours.  These times afford a unique opportunity to be leaders in our families in a way that most of us haven’t been before. This can be a powerful time for good!

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What if You Didn't Always Answer your Child's Questions?

"Mom, what makes the car go?" she said.

In response, "Hmm... I wonder. What do you think?"

Some questions are an opportunity to encourage your child to put out some effort into thinking. There is often much to be gained from giving the question back to the child instead of giving them an answer.

Here are seven reasons you might decide to not answer the next question that comes your way.

You want your child to be a creative thinker and a problem solver.

Here is a conversation with a three-year-old. The child asked,

“How do you build your own house?”

I could start with a description of logging, wood milling, and an explanation of how to frame a house. Instead, I responded with “what do you think?” The child answered with another question:

“How do you build the roof?” I asked,” How would you do it?”

“With bare feet” she said. I responded, “So you think you would stick to the roof and not fall off if you had bare feet? “Yes,” she said, “And I would use a special knife if I got a splinter. I had a splinter from wood before.”

When handed the question back, the child narrowed in on a challenge of roofing (falling off of a pitched roof), came up with a solution (bare feet) and realized this posed a second problem (splinters) and came up with a solution for that (special knife, presumably a jackknife with tweezers.) At this point an older child joined the conversation and said,” I think you would wear sneakers or work boots on the roof so you wouldn’t slip off and so you wouldn’t get splinters in your feet.”

For the young child, engaging in imaginative problem solving is more important than finding a realistic answer. If you listen carefully to children of many ages as they work on answering their own questions, you will find that realism increases with age.

You want your child to develop independence.

When you hand a question back to a child and then engage him in a conversation, you help him learn to answer his own questions. You also help him move on to more challenging questions. The nature of independent thinking is asking and answering our own questions.

You want your child to learn that you will listen.

So, listen. Really listen. Don’t correct. Don’t praise. Let your child notice that you soak up what he or she has to say without judgment. Your openness encourages creativity. While the early childhood years can seem to pass slowly, one day you will blink and discover that your little one is twelve or thirteen and you will wonder how this happened so quickly. And you will hope that he or she will talk to you. If she has come to expect listening without judgment, you may be lucky enough to hear her deepest secrets and her greatest hopes.

You want your child to become a confident public speaker.

Handing a question back is a way to encourage thoughtful speaking, especially in a shy child. If your child gives you a blank stare, try to carefully nudge her into conversation. “I find that puzzling myself. Let’s both think about it for a bit and see what we can come up with.” Your encouragement to think and then explain will help your child learn to think, and speak, on her feet. The child who shares problem solving by sharing her thoughts with parents is practicing the skills needed at school for participating in class conversations.

You want your child to learn the art of conversation.

Researchers tell us that when children engage in dinnertime conversations their grades improve and their likelihood of drug use is reduced. I suspect that conversations at anytime of day will lead to similar outcomes. However, the ritual of the family dinner hour is a perfect environment for the emergence of meaningful questions. Make family dinner a priority.

You want to encourage your child to experience wonder.

Occasionally a question comes your way that is tinged with amazement. It is worth slowing down for these questions. Stop washing the dishes. Postpone bedtime. Take the time to be brought back to the wonder you experienced as a child.

You love listening to what your child has to say.

Cute, smart, compelling, creative, unexpected. You will answer thousands of questions posed by your child. But sometimes you will just smile and say, “What do you think?” Develop an ear for the questions that create an opening to wonder, problem solving or conversation. Hand these questions back and enjoy what comes next.

Written by Kim Allsup, Gardening Teacher at the Waldorf School of Cape Cod and author of the blog Growing Children and the Book, A Gift of Wonder, which includes examples of children working together to answer questions which is common in Waldorf classes